i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's rum buckets o'clock
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
