I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
