She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
