i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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