woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
