thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
