Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
