Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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