Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
