i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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