yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
