The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize