party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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