He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
