hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
