I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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