eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
