i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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