pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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