Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
