smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
This is the high leading the old right now
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
