Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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