if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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