Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
