I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
