i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
