That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why