i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
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Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
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I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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