Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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