This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Be still, my beating vagina.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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