The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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