If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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