nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
