I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
