I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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