she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Drake has all the answers
That's how pantless uber rides happen
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
