She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
