im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Randomize
