bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
