I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
