I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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