You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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