You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
