I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
