Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
