Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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