i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
