onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Alive.
So much puke
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
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