were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
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