me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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