They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
