the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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