you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
