rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
