I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
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