i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
