a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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