I got chris browned last night
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize