R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
